Do you like makeover shows? I love them. My remote knows where to find them morning, noon and night.
I know how every makeover show turns out, but I still watch. An ordinary American with a big heart needs a brand new home; a young couple has a new rental apartment with no furniture; an overweight couple wants to shed that “over” weight or a drab wardrobe is a career killer for a young lawyer. In come the experts, and the living spaces and the people are miraculously transformed. Everybody smiles and hugs and the show is over.
As much as I love makeover shows, sometimes I think TV has still missed the boat. What about a husband makeover show? We could all submit profiles of our husbands and the ones most in need of help would be the subject of a show.
For example, mine is now too old. He was fine when he was younger, energetic and sexy, but now he’s different. Sure, he’s still handsome in my eyes. Age has also given him patience and wisdom, but now he grunts when he gets out of chairs. He falls asleep in movies. His list of doctors is getting longer. He gets excited when we forget a coupon. And our mutual afternoon “naps” ….are now for sleeping.
My non-madeover husband also feels that age has given him the right to be comfortable at all times. “Are you actually wearing that million-dollar bingo t-shirt when we go out to dinner at Sonoma Cellar?” I ask. “Everybody’s informal in Las Vegas; I like it; it’s comfortable,” he answers forcefully. End of conversation.
My madeover husband would not stand behind me and watch me play slot machines. He would not say things such as, “You’re ahead now; we should leave.” (Guess who absolutely doesn’t get up at that suggestion!)
My newly madeover husband would not talk during breakfast….ever. I don’t get chatty till about 10:00 a.m. and I don’t want to hear about politicians all being crooks and phonies before I’ve had my coffee, read the paper, scrambled some eggs, gone to the bathroom and finished my shower. Then I “may” be ready to talk.
In a new husband, I would keep the fact that my current husband is a good driver, but I would change the way he approaches a turn. My current husband seems to wait a very long time to get in the correct lane for the turn. I’m not sure he IS going to turn, so I say something and he replies, “I’ve got lots of time; I’ll get there.” Somehow as a front-seat co-driver, this waiting drives me crazy. Madeover man would pull over to the lane leading to the turn lane five blocks in advance…..just like I do. “But there’s no fun in that,” he says with a wink.
After a makeover, my husband would have a neat desk. Seems as if he can’t throw out any mail until we’re about to have company and a divorce is pending. In the meantime, his desk is piled high with brochures, batteries, business cards and little notes. Oprah tells us lots of women inadvertently marry gay guys. In terms of neat desks, that would be a pleasure.
And finally, my madeover husband would be a good dancer. My current husband admires good dancers, but he never became one. I can’t count the number of wedding receptions we’ve attended on our rear ends – sitting out the live music.
Oh hell, as long as I’m asking for things, my madeover husband would also be able to sing like a Broadway star. When we’re dancing he’d also be singing to me that “yours is the only music that makes me dance” or some such.
Dream on, you say. I will. In the meantime I’ll watch my makeover shows and love ‘em all. The other night he watched one with me. “You never thought I should be madeover, did you?” he asked.
“No, Never,” I said with just a tinge of sarcasm. “You’re perfect.”
He laughed…..all the while wondering if a wife makeover show wouldn’t be an excellent idea.