I am a bit embarrassed. The internet Gods have not put a stop to me. After all, in my writing, I tackle incendiary topics such as the man who invented foulproof cups and chihuahua wrestling, topics that are the stuff of empty-headed Republicans (and Democrats) who should have fancier fare to occupy their time.
If the truth be known, should I suddenly be asked to disappear from the Internet, I would make such a fuss that I might be interviewed on cable…in prime time, of course.
Am I as cute as that young Congreswoman — oops sorry, Congressperson — from New York? Not quite, but I am as cute as those elderly men and women who seem to be in charge of our lives these days. You know, when I was younger and looked at my grandparents, I couldn’t imagine them running the country. Yes, they were kind and gave me coins sometime, but running the country? I misjudged the whole bunch.
As a civilian and a censored writer, what would I do if I were de-columned? I know, I could become a tension easer. We’re told massive tension easing is in demand these days.
As an easer, I would recommend white and dark chocolate (I’m inclusive) for everyone who’s tense, and I’d give all the women (and some men) hour-long massages from those half-naked guys who have shows on the Strip.
Laughter is great medicine, so I would insist that instead of politics, non-stop Honeymooner skits would be showing on CNBC and old Bob Newhart specials would be playing on Fox.
Everyone’s naps would be long and filled with dreams of favorite movie stars lusting after them. All our lost relatives (those we liked) and rainbow bridge pets would be in the dreams, loving us as well. Whenever we’d wake up, we’d always fix perfect French Toast to start the day.
In times of need, money would, of course, grow on trees.
(Personal quirk) While out and about, we’d never go into public washrooms and see someone else’s toilet seat cover still on the toilet seat. Passing a course on toilet-seat-cover etiquette would be required before all graduations.
Dogs who make interesting sighs and mini-barks when sleeping, would be able to tell us their dreams.
Magazines would return to waiting rooms.
Say the secret word and cardboard boxes would self-collapse; no knives, scissors or muscles required for re-cycling.
Acid indigestion would always attack in private.
When we order products online, we wouldn’t see sudden numerous ads on Facebook for the same product.
A new phone button would forward all spam calls to George Clooney; maybe HE could do something.
God would outlaw all wheezing and all flus as well.
Lollypops would be given to everyone who gets a vaccine shot.
All 70-year-old bosoms would rise.
All 70-year-old men would be granted one wish.
And by the way, although I always want to find humor in situations, I do believe censorship itself is wrong whoever is doing it. Most of us can judge bullshit when we hear it — no censorship required.