So, I have decided, since “mature” folks are acceptable candidates for President, that I am joining the race. I am running–not athletically–you understand; I am probably sauntering. But I am declaring my candidacy for President of the United States of America.

My running mates will be my hairstylist and my nail technician. Some say the “veep” doesn’t do anything, but mine will–every day and twice on Sunday for the Sunday shows.

My favorite food is tacos. I’ve always loved Harry Belafonte and I wear black a great deal. Chinese food is a wonderful treat. I like men, but I’m in the closet often and come out of the closet nearly every day. My candidacy will appeal to everyone.

I am educated. I went to high school and college and graduated (barely). I worked in Chicago for lots of years and met the Jewish man of my dreams when I was 40. We had a great time. He was the cooker, the bargain-hunter and driver and I was–the “little lady” (so to speak). After menopause, I grew zoftig but he stayed around.

I am still zoftig which means I like to eat. I’d love to be a guest at political dinners where someone else cooks and offers dinner. I would adore the White House where I’d have a chef and choices for every meal. I don’t drink liquor, but I can get very giddy (tee hee) on chocolate.

Incidentally, I’ll talk to God about lower temperatures and more rain in Nevada and Arizona. Grass should no longer be a dirty word.

I can’t sing, but I love singers. That is why I’d be having concerts at the White House every weekend. I’d invite friends and their kids and and anybody else who could pass the incoming inspection. We’d have popcorn and be an exciting eager chorus–Fa la la la la…..

I’m a blood donor. We’ll be having donation days at the White House every eight weeks. I’d especially like to invite young men with biceps to be donors. I like fun scenery, don’t you?

I’m not one for international travel these days, so I’ll invite world leaders to come to Washington to see me and discuss what is on their minds. We’ll have great meals and entertainment, line up, take photos and I’ll listen to everyone–whether I’ll do what they want is another matter.

I will have plenty of celebrity support for my candidacy: the Cisco Kid, the Lone Ranger, Milton Berle, Perry Como, Howdy Doody, Lassie, Superman, Hopalong Cassidy and so on. You say these celebrities are no longer alive? True, but they “could” be fans of mine – just as I was a fan of theirs. It’s 50-50 that they would endorse me and I like those odds.

Every couple of weeks, we’ll have a girl’s night at the White House. We’ll laugh, talk, exchange gossip and figure out what policies need updating in the coming months. Who needs the House and Senate? Just let the girls decide.

I don’t have relatives that can get in trouble. My brother is a mature man, and he’s got a sense of humor, so he’ll be visiting regularly. Other than my appetite, I have one bad habit – chap stick. I stick it in my bra for easy access. If folks hug me (and I’m not a hugger, other than for certain folks), they may feel the chap stick and wonder. My lips are moist at all times.

And finally, a vote for me is a vote for…an avid poker player. The World Series of Poker just finished up. No sweat. Saturday night will be poker night at the White House. My dream will be players such as Dave Chapelle, Kevin Costner, Brad Pitt, a couple Democrats and a couple Republicans and me. (I head the Independent Party.) We’ll laugh and flirt and get along. I’ll be so good at my job that I’ll run for a second term….and win!